This is a really long and complicated case. Don't bother reading unless you really want to give insight?

When I was 15 yrs old I called a local radio station to request a song. That's where this all began...that was 12 years ago. I would talk to the D.J. that worked nights, We talked every night. I had a crazy home life. I was not in school and my brother was an absolute control freak. I wasn't even allowed to take phone calls according to him unless it was a female. So this DJ would give me helpful advice and he helped me to cope with my situation. After a few years he was my best friend....he was also 18 yrs older than me. He ended up getting fired when I was around 19 so I called him at home and we re-connected. He invited me to come and see him one night, We'd only met once before and it was very brief. I reluctantly went, not knowing what to expect. I was a virgin and was planning to wait for marriage. After a while of being there he began to try to get "cozy" with me but I didn't allow it to go far. I definitely had some feelings for him (I think I almost had a stroke that night) This little charade continued with him for a couple of months but I never had with him. I was disgustingly in love with this man by then. My control freak brother told my Dad of many things that upset him (none of which actually happened) My Dad calls him and tells him that he's going to kill him and get him fired etc. I don't hear from him for several months. I was totally heart broken, This was the man that I wanted to marry, Who's now been scared off for NO GOOD REASON! In the midst of my devestation I began scrambling to find someone else to take my mind off that situation. I found him and shortly after I married him. I was 20 yrs old and married. All was good until Mr.DJ called. I found myself short of breath and breathing into a paper bag! It was 1 yr since we'd talked and now I was married. I was obviously still in love with this guy and married to another. We kept in touch for several long and hard years and stayed close friends. On the 7th year of my marriage and 3 kids later, I decided that I couldn't take it anymore and I went to see him. We had our first kiss 8 yrs after our first date. It only confirmed my feelings. 6 months later I made him the 2nd guy that I 'd ever had with. 7 months after that i did it again. The following month my Dad ped away and I realized that everythang was out of control, I stopped all communication with him shortly after. It's been 1 year since I talked to him and I have an overwhelming urge to call or text him. I know the road leads to no where but this happens to me everytime! I can go a year knowing it's a bad idea. I still think about him everyday but at a level that I can handle, But when it gets to the 1 yr mark I lose my mind! Every song on the radio haunts me, I see his name everywhere I go, and now he's back on the radio. Everytime I hear his voice it's like a punch in the stomach. It doesn't help that he's STILL single. He's 44 and never been married. How can I move on from this once and for all? I desperately need peace of mind because I'm losing my mind.